A few days ago, I was telling my wife a story about Zach. And she had to clarify which Zach.
“Wait, Zach…. Viets?”
“Yeah, of course Zach Viets.” Zach V is one of the members of my practice, and we interact a lot through work. But it made me start thinking, I never formally switched Zachs. You see, I have always had one Zach in my life at a time. And only one. This isn’t a decision by me, it’s just how it seems to work.
When I was in high school, my Zach was Zach Carlin. He drove a Yugo. That seems like a superficial summation of my only Zach for four years of my life. Give me a break, it was a long time ago. And, it was high school. I didn’t have a very deep understanding of anyone or anything. I’m actually impressed that I noticed that Zach Carlin drove a Yugo.
In college, I lived with a guy named Zach Shaffer. I remember a lot more about him. For example, he didn’t have a car. I don’t think. He was a half-Jewish, half-Catholic guy from a small town in Kansas. I think it was a small town. Like Salina or Dodge City. Or maybe he was from Kansas City. He majored in biology and he had a job at one point working at Teller’s, the fancy restaurant on Mass St. in Lawrence. We lost contact after college, which is too bad, he was a great guy. He probably still is, I just don’t know him anymore.
In medical school, this is where it gets really weird- I had a new Zach Shafer. With exactly half as many F’s. My medical Zach was from Topeka, KS. I can’t remember what car medical Zach drove,it seems like it was a crappy little car. Zach and I spent a lot of years together, because Shafer and Swink are right next to each other in the alphabet, so we sat at the same table full of microscopes in the histology lab. We both ended up going into radiology after med school and ended up at the same residency in Oklahoma City. So, we’ve become lifelong friends, but he now lives an hour away, and has a family and busy practice, so we don’t hang out much. So, he is no longer the active Zach in my life, in spite of the fact that I still have his phone number in my contacts.
My newest Zach is Viets. He joined my group a year or so ago, and he is also a great guy. I talk to him at least weekly, if not daily. My oldest daughter babysits for his kids. Viets has firmly taken over the spot of current Zach. He is awesome,demonstrated by his explanation of how he spells Zach, as opposed to Zack. He said it spelled it this way to differentiate himself from that ass-monkey Zack Morris, the character from“Saved by the Bell.” I love all of my Zachs, but I can only have one at a time.
I launched into this long, pointless discussion of my Zach situation, and I thought my wife was going to think I was crazy, but she was right there with me. It just so happens that she has a rotating roster of Ashleys. Her situation is a little complicated due to the sheer volume of Ashleys. She generally has one primary Ashley, similar to my Zach. Right now, for example, I would guess her main Ashley to be Ashley Jenks. Please don’t be offended, other Ashleys. Things just worked out this way. It’s not you, it’s me.
A weird crossover is that my penultimate Zach, Zach Shafer with one F, is married to my wife’s penultimate Ashley, also Shafer. I wonder if we should have stopped with them. What if my Zach being married to her Ashley was a sign. Were they the best friends we’re ever going to have, all wrapped up in a lovely little family? I guess we’ll never know. But I do know that Zach Viets has big shoes to fill. Literally. Shafer wears like size 15.
Are there more Zachs and Ashleys in the future? Who even knows what they’ll be like? Based on the current trends, I can only assume that they will be the same person, a transgender evolving from male to female or vice versa. This person, this meta-Zach-Ashley, or Aach,as I call it, will undoubtedly be the best friend of both my wife and me. Oh, the promise of the future…
I don’t recall ever having any Zachs, but I currently have three Carlos’, lol.