WORDS

              I’ve been thinking about words a lot lately.  It all started when my wife brought home some donut holes.  I immediately took issue with “donut holes.”  Not the little balls of fried happiness themselves, but rather, the name.  These little treats are not, in fact, holes.  They are balls.  They should be called donut balls.  You cannot eat a hole.  You can eat a ball. It’s science, look it up.

              My 8-year-old daughter kindly explained to me the origins of the name.

              “You see,” she began, as one would to a very simple person.  “The middle of the donut is cut out when they make the donuts.  That dough that is removed is cooked, and becomes the donut hole.”  Thank you for that, Ella.  I understand how the name came to be, I’m just arguing that it is inaccurate and should be changed to donut balls, immediately.

SPELLING

              I also have a problem with the spelling of the word “donut.”  When I was learning to spell, this word was spelled “doughnut.”  I argue that this should still be the correct spelling.  You can’t shorten words to a phonetic form just because you want to.  A doughnut is not made out of do.  It is made out of dough.  Hence, doughnut.

              Another word hot on the idiot trail of donut is the word, “lite.”  Originally and correctly spelled, “light,” the lazyasses have struck again and shortened this word to “lite.”  Once upon a time, this only referred to Lite Beer, but now refers to the bulb in the ceiling that “lites” up the room.  You see it everywhere now.

I’M NOT PERFECT

              Now, I’m not a snob.  I’m from rural Kansas, and I routinely mispronounce a large number of words.  My wife and kids delight in pointing it out, each time I do.

              For example, the word “antenna.”  I pronounce it more like “an-tanna.”  Ha, ha!  Daddy’s a hillbilly.

              The word “measure,” I pronounce, “may-sure.”  Moron!

              And the icing on the cake, I use the word “nother.”  As in, I grew up in a whole nother world than the ones my kids are in.  Awkwardly derived from the word, “another,” this is one I’m unable to purge from my vocabulary, no matter how hard I try. I’m not sure, but I think you have to precede “another” with “whole.” Otherwise you’d just say, “another.”

              There are a few words I’ve avoided from my childhood.  I don’t say “warsh” for wash.  I don’t say, “melk” instead of milk, and I don’t say “bolth.”  I say “both.”  One mispronounciation I really hate, which doesn’t seem to come from Kansas, is pronouncing the word “forward,” as “foh-ward.”

              Moving foh-ward, I have discovered a missing word in the English language.  We need a word that means “medium-sized.”  We have the words “large” and “small,” but no way to say medium-sized with a single word. 

              Please feel free to correct me if there is such a word, and I just don’t know it.  Or, failing that, invent a word that we can petition to have added to the dictionary.  Something that means medium-sized.  And please feel free to include the letters, “ough,” so the kids can shorten it to “-o-.”

MY PERSONAL DISLIKES

              I hate it when people say, “I could care less.”  If you could care less, that means you care some, even if just a little. I think you mean to say, “I couldn’t care less. I could not possibly care less. About whether we go to Applebee’s or Chili’s for dinner..I care so little about that question (because it’s the same thing) that there’s no less that I could care.

             Last point: itch vs scratch.  Itch is something you experience, scratch is something you do.  You don’t itch yourself.  You scratch yourself. Because you have an itch.  Your skin itches, so you scratch it.  Buy some effing lotion.

             In summary, I think we should think more about the words we use. Because they have a very specific meaning. The pronunciation (and grammar) I’m much more flexible with. (I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, bite me.)  Think about the big pitcher, people.