I’ve gotten into this new exercise routine, called “Running While Fat.” You might know it as “FatRunning.” It’s awesome. All you have to do is be fat, and go outside and run. It’s really fun, especially the getting fat part. I spent years doing that, with thousands of dollars spent on buffalo wings, chocolate chip cookies, and beer. The running part is actually free, other than running shoes and Body Glide brand anti-chafing balm. Theoretically, you could run without the expensive running shoes, but the Body Glide anti-chafing balm is a necessity. Turns out there’s a lot of chafing when you engage in FatRunning. All in all, this exercise is probably cheaper than buying a Peloton, and definitely cheaper than a heart cath.
I’ve always been a bigger guy, and I lifted weights extensively as a young man. This was in an attempt to be even bigger, which is the goal of most young men. At least, it was in the late 80’s. I assume young men now want to be smaller, in an attempt to better fit into their man-rompers and to leave a smaller carbon footprint. But back then, we ate meat and lifted heavy chunks of steel, and we were yuge.
CURRENT DAY
But, now, I’m a middle-aged man, and I would like to slow the growth process down, even reverse it, so I do a lot of cardio. For those of you who aren’t into fitness, cardio means sweating and near-puking. You run a lot, or ride a bicycle, or walk up fake stairs. Some activity that simulates how we got from one place to another before cars and escalators. You just do this really hard, for a really long time, then go get a margarita.
I started running when I was about 25, and it was incredibly hard at first. I could do a slow jog for a mile, then I had to walk, then I’d jog some more. I eventually built myself up to running six miles consecutively, not too bad for a fat guy. You see, I haven’t weighed less than 200 lb since I was eighteen years old. At one point, near the end of med school, I weighed 250. Hence the running while fat.
I know you’re not supposed to admit how much you weigh, and you’re supposed to lie on your driver’s license. But that seems kind of vain and silly to me. Having a false number on your driver’s license is not going to fool anyone, because people have eyeballs, and they can see you with them. I notice a lot of female patients do this, bend the truth about their weight. I saw a patient a while back who had her weight listed as 140 on her DL. Her actual weight was 460. Not kidding about that one. Not sure about the thought process. “No, I’m not obese. Look at my driver’s license. It’s over there, on the desk. You’ll have to get it for me, I can’t walk.”
I’m not sure why I’m able to be fat and still run, or why I enjoy it so much. Because I do, I love running. Sometimes I listen to headphones, sometimes, I just daydream and look at the nature around me. I watch my heart rate, and never get over 500, so I feel like I’m being safe. Although I have seen vultures circling overhead when I’ve been out running, and this worries me. Animals can sense things, like earthquakes and impending rupture of aneurysms. It just fuels me, though. You bastards aren’t snacking on my sweaty carcass today, vultures!
You garner a lot of attention when you are a fat runner. Maybe not as much as a half-naked voluptuous girl runner, but people do check you out. Not with any lascivious thoughts, more along the lines of wonder and pity. I imagine conversations such as:
“Wow, look at that fat guy run. Good for him! Wait, his face is really red. Like, REALLY red. I wonder if we should call someone.”
“Yeah, he doesn’t look so good. Should we call a doctor?”
“No, call a nurse practitioner. All the government epidemiologists say nurse practitioners are just as efficacious as doctors, and they are much cheaper.”
FEEDBACK FROM THE PUBLIC
Sometimes teenagers throw things at me when they drive by in their rusty Honda Civics. Like bottles of water. Not good water, like Aquafina, usually something gross like Sam’s Choice or Ozarka. I assume they are worried about my hydration level.
Occasionally, I see skinny people running, and I just feel sorry for them. They’re burning barely any calories at all! It takes no effort to float along like a deer. I’ve seen people who are so comfortable running that they can talk on the phone. I do not talk on the phone while running. This is what that conversation would sound like:
“Jason? Are you okay?”
“Gasp! Gasp! Hack!”
“Should I call someone? You don’t sound so good.”
“Yeah, call me a nurse practitioner.” Retching sounds caused by diverting much-needed oxygen from my heart and legs to produce speech. “They are efficacious.”
Ideally, I could run enough to not be fat. I can’t even imagine; the math is ridiculous. Apparently, you have to run 700 miles to burn off one buffalo wing. I’m doomed. That reminds me, I need to order some more Body Glide anti-chafing balm.
Appreciate this blog. Gives me perspective. I love you.
Hilarious. I remember trying to get yuge :’)