As Wall Street retreats, fears abound about the impending economic collapse run rampant. Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater Associates, states, “This is not a recession; this is a breakdown. You’re seeing the same thing that happened in the 1930’s.” Mr. Dalio is a super-rich guy, essentially Scrooge McDuck, and he’s worried. I mean, this dude sleeps on a bed of cash. So, we’re pretty much screwed.
All throughout the country, people are messaging their coworkers from home, predicting doom.
“Yeah, dude. We’re gonna need to turn tricks on the corner,” texted Aaron Smith to his fellow furloughed sheet metal worker, John Wilson. Wilson was not available for response, having been drinking since noon.
A Ray of Hope
But a bright light shines on the horizon of our economy. The Swink family, in Topeka, KS, has been spending money at an incredible pace. Everything from delivery meals to Amazon have been the victims of their smoking credit cards.
“We need to support our local restaurants,” stated Jason Swink, a local semi-employed radiologist. He apparently considers all restaurants to be local, including Olive Garden and mail-order Lou Malnatti’s pizzas packed in dry ice. As of print time, the Swink family was single-handedly keeping every restaurant in Topeka in the black.
The local liquor stores have also benefitted from Dr. Swink’s far-thinking economic wisdom. “We don’t know when the liquor stores are going to be considered non-essential. Or when the hoarders are gonna clue in. I mean, you have 7000 rolls of toilet paper, and you totally forgot to stock up on Seagrams?”
Cathy Swink, the mater familias, has been stocking up on food, going so far as to purchase 7 additional refrigerators to store items likely to become scarce as the pandemic wears on, like DiGiorno’s pizzas and premade salad kits.
“I have a whole room full of canned fruit cocktail,” said Mrs. Swink. “I’m pretty sure the kids will finally like it when they’re starving.” She showed reporters the hundreds of new shelves she purchased to store canned fruit.
The Swinks have also spared no expense when it comes to home improvement/maintenance. Since his workload has been decreased by 80%, Dr. Swink goes to Home Depot most days.
“It’s okay, I use a surgical mask from work. We’re painting the whole house, and redoing all the landscaping,” he said, hauling a cart full of tomato seedlings. “We’ll be glad to have all this done when the world turns back on, and we’re busy again.”
Costs have of course ramped up to cover home-schooling. All four of the Swink daughters needed new laptops to Zoom, and new chargers when they immediately broke/lost the original chargers. Then new chargers one week later. Then new laptops the week after that when they broke the screens of the original laptops.
Being quarantined brings its own requirements, primarily in the form of entertainment.
“We spent about a thousand dollars on puzzles,” reported Cathy. “We just find them relaxing when we get tired of the coloring books.”
Nintendo and Amazon Prime stock prices have hit new highs when the Swinks finished downloading video games and movies, including all five seasons of “The A-Team.”
Is all this spending ok?
Famed economist Alan Greenspan was optimistic when asked about the effect of the Swinks frantic spending on the current economy.
“Oh, I don’t think it can hurt,” he said. “Spending is good. And when Dr. Swink loses his job and tries to declare bankruptcy, he won’t be allowed to. He’s a rich doctor. They can’t declare bankruptcy, or receive stimulus checks, or receive a write-off for their children. So, it’s win-win.”