There are a lot of phrases, idioms, and metaphors in the English language which confuse me. For example, “going cold turkey,” or “under the weather.” I know how we use them, but I have no idea how they came to be. And I’m too lazy to Google it.
Another odd example is the practice of referring to a wimpy person as a vagina. A wimp is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as a weak, cowardly, or ineffectual person. Calling someone a vagina is not new, nor is the more crass use of the word, pu#$y. This is a word my wife hates, so I have to use symbol swearing as above. But, it’s a word that goes back to my earliest childhood.
“Don’t be a pu@#y, dude, just eat this whole jar of peppers.”
It didn’t sound nearly so vulgar to me a child, but as an adult it does. So, I guess that’s how we made the transition to using the scientific anatomic word. As if using the technical word is less offensive. Which I guess it is. For example:
“That guy is such a vagina, he always backs down when the hospital administrators make demands.”
There is an abbreviated form a friend recently used in a text to me, referring to himself: “I wish I wasn’t such a vag in residency, and had spent more time learning to do interventional procedures.”
So, it’s a widespread word, in this context. The reason I bring it up, is that I think it’s really being misused. Why do we compare a weak, ineffectual person to one of the strongest, most important parts of the human body? Think about what a vagina does; first of all, it controls the entire male half of the human populace. Well, the heterosexual half, I should clarify. There aren’t many straight men who wouldn’t totally sell out in exchange for a little time with their vagina of choice. To me, this is power. Nothing else in the world has that kind of power, not money, influence. Not even the Eggnormous Burrito from Burger King, which is incredible.
About the vagina
Physically, the vagina is a miracle. It contracts to nothing, a virtual space, during everyday existence. From this minimal form, it expands large enough to expel a baby out into the world. Let me rephrase- it is the gateway to earth- a human will pass through the vagina to take his first breath of air. It has an impressive healing capacity and is quite strong. Not wimpy at all. Merriam-Webster gives the antonym of wimp as powerhouse. I would argue that this describes a vagina very well.
So, if we want a body part to use to refer to people who are weak and cowardly? What is the most sensitive, vulnerable part of the body? Take a minute and think- is there a part of the body that must be encased in a plastic shell during contact sports to protect it? That’s right, the testicles. Talk about weak! This is a body part that can be lightly brushed by a feather and cause incapacitating pain for its owner. You can’t get much weaker than a testicle.
You could see how the testicles can be described as cowardly; they retract and shrink back into the body when threatened with a chilly swimming pool. The testes are prone to infection, cancer, and injury. They are basically like helpless baby birds, swinging in a wrinkly little nest.
Let’s try it out, see how it sounds.
“Dude, you’re such a testicle. I barely bumped you, and you’re laying on the ground, trying not to throw up.” I think it works, and it’s much more appropriate than referring to someone a birth canal.
“You’re such a ball.” That does’t really roll off the tongue. I have a problem with referring to testes as “balls” anyway, because they are not remotely spherical in shape. More of an asymmetric elliptical shape. That’s why I prefer the Spanish slang, “heuvos,” or egg. Seems to fit better.
“Esse, tu eres un huevo.” Not sure about that, my Spanish isn’t strong enough to interpret the feel of that insult.
Let’s just keep it simple- the next time you want to call someone a name for not getting your back in a work meeting, or skipping the early morning run, call him a testicle. Who knows, maybe he has a wimpy buddy, and they can be a pair of testicles.
Do balls equal toughness?
A strange offshoot of this topic is the colloquial use of “balls” to describe bravery, toughness.
“You got some balls on you, boy!” *please see my previously explained dislike of the world “balls” in this context.
As we have demonstrated, balls are not tough at all. They are fragile and weak. I think what we’re seeing with both of these phrases is a manifestation of male chauvinism, with the implication that people with vaginas are weak and that people with testicles are tough. This is such a ridiculous concept that I’m not even going to address it, other than including the pictures below. I’m going to stick with the funny wordplay.
I recognize that these photos demonstrate my age, and also that they are not real people. Lets move on.
In light of these examples, perhaps we should refer to the ovary as the reservoir of bravery.
“Did you see McGregor slap that referee? He’s got some ovaries on him.”
In closing, I would just like to say that we need to be more thoughtful when referring to each other as genitalia. I also apologize to anyone finds this offensive or obnoxious. Wait, no I don’t. Those people need to stop being such testicles.