People shove lots of weird things in their bodies. I’m not just talking about little kids who swallow coins and batteries and keys. Although they do swallow these things. A lot. That’s not so weird- little kids will eat anything. No, I’m talking about adults. Crazy people who stuff things in their rectums and vaginas and ears and urethras.
The rectum has got to be the most common repository or random items, and it’s usually men. They stick flashlights and vibrators and light bulbs in their butts. That’s right, light bulbs. Not little ones, either. Full-size, incandescent, light bulbs, several inches in diameter, and constructed of paper-thin glass, razor sharp when broken. Which they do sometimes, necessitating a big, emergent surgery to save this guy’s life.
Why light bulbs? I’m not really sure. It seems like the danger would dissuade one from inserting it in his anus. After giving this far too much thought, I have decided that it comes down to availability. Everybody has light bulbs. And it’s smooth, at least until it fractures, so that should help with insertion. It probably wouldn’t be a problem, most of the time, except for the shape, well, the light-bulb shape. Once past the anus, the light bulbs have a tendency to be forced inward by the contractile force of the sphincter. Then it’s gone, and can’t be reached. At that point, they need some xrays and an irritated ER doctor to try to retrieve it.
As far as other items in the rectum, vibrators make sense, I guess. Flashlights, okay. Cell phones, kind of weird. Also, cell phones are expensive, so it seems like a bad idea. Also, painful, if you have a popsocket attached. One wonders if the most protective case ever made, the Otterbox, is rated for rectal wear and tear. I’m guessing yes. After all, they protect an iphone from a fall of 10 feet, how bad can the rectum be?
Usually, when we see foreign objects stored in the vagina, they aren’t for recreation. They are for storage/hiding. Crack pipes, cocaine vials, things like that. Often, these xrays are seen in women on their way to jail. This is probably a better hiding place than a pocket or purse, but in the end, not that effective.
The urethra is probably the one that gives me the creeps most of all. I can’t imaging a situation where sticking something in your urethra would be exciting. I think terrifying is the word you’re looking for. Or painful. Even with lubrication, nobody likes to have a catheter placed. Much less the kinds of things we find on xrays, mostly pens. As in, writing pens. Ink pens. The ones I’ve seen the most are the cheap Bic pens that usually have caps on them, with the cap removed for urethral insertion. What could go wrong? It goes in too far, and gets lost in the bladder. Of course. And then they need xrays and someone needs to call and wake up the urologist on call, so he can come and snare this offending writing utensil.
Objects stuck in the ear or nose are usually little kids. Apparently bored adults are unable to derive any sexual pleasure from this, so they avoid it. And the kids aren’t usually a problem, because the peanut or lego or whatever can usually be plucked from the nose or ear easily with forceps.
Next, I suppose we have to talk about people who eat things or stick things through their skin. Sometimes they’re the same people. Adults with mental illness will swallow thumbtacks or nails, or screws, paper clips, or safety pins. Why? I don’t know. That’s above my pay grade. I just find the objects and tell the surgeon where they are. The surgeon takes it out, if he has to, then the patient is handed off to the psychiatrist.
Particularly interesting, is the people who stick nails or straightened paper clips or wires directly through the skin. They tend to just be siting in the subcutaneous fat, causing infection.
What is the point of all this? I’m not sure I have one, other than sheer morbid fascination with the odd things people do. If I have to have a higher purpose, maybe it’s to raise attention for mental illness. It always seems to be the first thing for which we cut funding, but mental illness will always cost us money. In this case, it’s the medical resources required to remove things from peoples’ bodies. Surely effective psychiatric treatment would be more efficient than all of the ER docs and surgeons and radiologists, not to mention the hospital beds and medications.
In any case, it’s just kind of funny. Keep those light bulbs out of your butts.
So, when you said cell phones, are you talking flip phones or an iPhone 8 Plus?